The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
You Might Also Like
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Haha good job!!
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner