The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
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I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)