The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
You Might Also Like
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]