The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
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Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
ew if literal: let me be clear
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*