the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
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Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.