Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised