The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
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My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.