The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
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Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Tony Hawk, age 6
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My dress code is business-casualty.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had