The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
This raises questions
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Sunday
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow