Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

ㅤ

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s