The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
(Jupiter –
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality