Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

ㅤ

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

Every photo I’m tagged in

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.