Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

me when I see my crush

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.