the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
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When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Ha
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Its a hippotatomus
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
