the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
You Might Also Like
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Made something I’m not proud of
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button