the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
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I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship