Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history