Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

damn he’s good

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.