The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Oh yeah that’s it
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either