The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
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it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once