The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
happy friday
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
October already? What’s next? November????
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.