Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle