The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.