Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

It’s important that you tell your children your story.

“No sweetheart, Daddy was never in a war. But here’s a picture of me screaming at a seagull in 1993.”

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

me, after any kind of buffet.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay