The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…