Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.