the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
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Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Look Ma, no handle on things
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.