The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
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They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
me
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Pigeon open mic night.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy