The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
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In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
How times have changed.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
wtf is a larm clock?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
I’d hang this in my house.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs