Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

👀

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.