The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
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I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I am, perchance
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET