The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
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her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
describing stardew valley
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!