Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

Oops I deleted….

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

Snapes on a plane.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any