The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*