The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Me, in DM rooms…
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice