Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
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Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Monica just destroyed the internet
There is no “ea” in Tim.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
This kid will have a bright future.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.