the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
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I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Time heals everything 🙂
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
