the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
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Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
don’t we all
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
No, I don’t think I will.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”