the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
You Might Also Like
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
🍂🕷️🍂
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄