the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
You Might Also Like
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately