the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
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Self-cleaning conscience
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band