Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.