Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs