The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
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The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance