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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
How tf did it end up there?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Confused owl: What?!
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs