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If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
😅😅😅
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.