Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy: