The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
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ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend