Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.