Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

All is fair in drunk and war.

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

I feel seen

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

The smoothest fall of all time

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”