[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
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After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
We need more people like this.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.