Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

Who chose this font

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

You sure about that?

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.