The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
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According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area