Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

Got ya covered

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.