The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
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Bear
smartest karate player in the world
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Rt to bother an English speaker
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
This came to me in a dream.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…
Shouldn’t he be working in web design?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.