Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

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There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds