The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
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I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.