The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
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“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Had an epiphany today.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”