The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
You Might Also Like
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young