The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
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Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die