Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Yup.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different