Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Thinking about Jeff

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

#Caturday

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama