The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?