Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

you will never know the true number of layers

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you