The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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Perfect
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.