Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

I put the mess in domestic.

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do