Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda