Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?