Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario

My driving instructor: no worries brother

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Every photo I’m tagged in

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

ㅤ