Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.