Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.