The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
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4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
This is not me but this is me