Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer