Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

Happy thanksgiving

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!