Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

Get in loser we’re going crying

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions